( Comanche Pass, SD) Santa Claus, internationally beloved icon of the Christmas season, is in intensive care at a local hospital, in critical condition. The only information that we have on this tragedy comes from the Department of Homeland Security, who have cordoned off the scene, even barring state and local police. According to an official DHS statement, Santa was on his way back to the North Pole, when he was blown out of the sky, with his sled and eight tiny reindeer, by “an angry member of an ultra-radical TEA Party group.”
In an unusually timely move, President Obama has already issued an official statement on the shooting. The President said that BATFE agents believe that the shooter, is a member of a militia group that is closely tied to the TEA Party movement. In response to questions, a Deputy Press Secretary denied that the suspect was actually just an illiterate Lutheran, Black Hills farmer named “Bubba”, who lives on a remote farm and takes care of his disabled grandmother.
When asked if Bubba was a terrorist, his elderly grandmother assured our reporters that Bubba didn’t even own a towel, let alone wear one on his head.
Even so, the BATFE and the Obama Administration cling to their assertion that Bubba is actually a top commander in a large TEA Party terrorist cell. The President said in a written statement to the press, “It’s this kind of TEA Party-induced hatred of everything good and decent, like Santa Claus, Obamacare, and amnesty, that requires that the government have more power to arrest and detain these intolerant people, without a warrant, before there is another such tragedy.”
Many community and political leaders have weighed in on the tragic the event. The Rev. Jeremiah Wright said, “The old fool never gave me anything but a lump of coal, so he got what he deserved.” Jeb Bush said that he thinks that the shooter should be granted Amnesty, so he won’t be separated from his family. John Boehner said that he is looking for a “bi-partisan” solution. Ted Cruz pointed out that since the event occurred on private land, it isn’t even a federal issue. And Ron Paul called a press conference, where he blamed America.
BATFE agents went on to tell us that, under provisions of the USA Patriot Act, they had received numerous Suspicious Activity Reports from Bubba’s bank, for suspicious activities, ranging from joining subversive organizations, such as the National Rifle Association, the Gun Owners of America and the Republican Party, to small donations to other subversive organizations including Americans for Fair Taxation, Citizens Against Government Waste, several very dangerous TEA Party groups and a local property rights group.
They now tell us that Bubba is holed up in a cabin in the mountains, threatening to shoot the two surviving reindeer if his manifesto is not published in the New York Times.
Initial reports indicate that there were initially four surviving reindeer, but agents tell us that Bubba, “displaying typical TEA Party intolerance,” discovered that Prancer and Comet were queer for each other and shot them both “for good measure.”
When we asked the BATFE how Bubba expected anyone to publish his manifesto, since he was reportedly a functional illiterate, who signed his name with an “X”, agents seemed at a loss and told us that they would get back to us. After a short time, they told us that they discovered that Bubba had been recruited and trained by the TEA Party several years ago and that they taught him to read and write, using extremely subversive materials like Atlas Shrugged, The Federalist Papers, and the US Constitution and that Bubba now only pretends to be illiterate.
At this time the BATFE, along with SWAT teams from the FBI, DEA, FDA, IRS, EPA, EEOC, HUD, and the Surgeon General’s office, have the cabin surrounded. Officials report that Bubba is accompanied by two other dangerous terrorists; his 4 year old son Elmer and his 6 year old daughter Francine.
BATFE agents are however, taking their toll on Bubba’s forces. Just shortly after noon today, before arrival of the other agencies, BATFE agents shot and killed two of Bubba’s accomplices.
Bubba’s common law wife and second cousin, 41 year old Doreen was shot 47 times as she reportedly charged authorities, while firing an automatic weapon. Unfortunately, Doreen’s weapon now appears to be missing, but BATFE agents assure us that they will produce it, when the siege is over.
The local coroner, Lars Gundersen, initially reported that it was rather unusual that, since BATFE agents claimed that Doreen was charging them when she was shot, all of the exit wounds were in the front of her body. However, follow-up attempts to contact Gundersen for further comment now reveal that Comanche Pass has no coroner and that the building that residents recall to be the coroner’s office is not a trendy coffee house, staffed by people wearing Brooks Brothers clothing and Italian shoes.
Also interesting is the fact that nobody seems to know where Doreen’s body was taken. BATFE officials seem strangely unconcerned about either the missing body or the missing coroner.
Also killed was Bubba’s 5 year old son, Bubba, Jr., who BATFE agents say was heavily armed and perched in a sniper’s blind in a nearby tree. BATFE agents deny charges that Bubba, Jr. was actually only playing a hand-held video game in a tree-house, at the time he was shot.
When asked if they could show reporters any of the evidence they had collected against Bubba, Chief BATFE agent in-charge, Joseph Mengela, III stated, “That’s not the way we work. After we bring this evil TEA Party terrorist down, we’ll make sure that there’s plenty of evidence for you to see.”
By a strange coincidence, several reports from nearby Rapid City indicate that Air Force One was seen on the tarmac at Rapid City Airport, on the morning of the shooting. Also, some residents of Comanche Pass report seeing President Obama and Harry Reid buying ammo and beer, at Luther’s General Store and Hunting Supply.
However, official statements from both the White House and the office of the Majority Leader deny that either the President or Senator Reid was in the area, at the time. There does however, seem to be some confusion on this point.
A spokesman for Reid, said, “There is no way that Senator Reid could be responsible for the shooting of Santa Claus, since the Majority Leader is currently in Washington DC, where he has been in intensive meetings with President Obama, at the White House.”
By contrast, a White House statement indicated that the President has been working on his golf game for the last two days at Chicago’s Beverly Country Club. Interestingly, several members of the club have told reporters from our Chicago affiliate that they have neither seen the President, nor noticed any of the beefed up security that is always so visible when the President is at the club.
When it was pointed out to the White House Deputy Press Secretary that Reid’s office claimed that he was meeting with the President, in Washington, at the time that the White House claimed that the President was in Chicago, the spokesman appeared at a loss, then ignored the question and took another question. The next journalist pointed out that both Reid and the President were seen exiting Air Force One, on video captured by security cameras at the Rapid City Airport, only two hours before the shooting and asked how the President and Reid could be in two places at once. Instead of answering the question, the White House spokesman launched into a two-minute tirade about press ethics, in which he accused the reporter of being a TEA Party plant and then ended the interview.
Santa’s Public Relations elf, Claude, told us that on-board sleigh telemetry indicates that, at the time of the shooting, Santa was more than 42 miles from Bubba’s property and that the sleigh glided that distance, before crashing. Claude went on to explain that at the time Santa’s sleigh was hit, he was flying over a remote piece of ground that is often used as a hunting lease and that examination of public records identified the owner, who stated that the property is currently being leased by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.
In an official statement President Obama’s press secretary, Josh Earnest said, “The President is deeply saddened by this unprovoked attack on his dear friend, Santa Claus and vows that Bubba and all other TEA Party terrorists will soon be brought to justice. He also wants the public to know that this tragedy could have been prevented, had President Bush not allowed such extremist groups to flourish. But due to the extreme limitations of the 4th Amendment, this administration has been hampered in undoing the damage caused by the Bush Administration. Without those limits, we would have known about Bubba a long time ago and prevented this senseless tragedy. But, thanks to misinterpreted provisions we’ve found in the USA Patriot Act and new powers that President Obama will soon be granting himself through executive order, he will soon have virtually unlimited access to every American’s personal information. So that pesky 4th Amendment will soon cause us no more problems. Then we’ll be able to profile and eliminate such citize… uh… terrorists before they become a threat to the Preside… uh… people of the United States and innocent icons like Santa Claus. Just remember that this shooting of Santa Claus was Bush’s fault.”
Earnest was asked if Bubba would be tried in state or federal court and he responded that, “Since Bubba has been classified as a terrorist, as soon as authorities have him in custody, he will be transported to the terrorist detention facility at Guantanamo, Cuba, where he will be interrogated and eventually face a military tribunal, before being executed.” When asked if that didn’t violate Bubba’s Constitutional rights, Earnest replied, “Bubba is far too dangerous to risk him getting off, by having a bunch of TEA Party rednecks telling ridiculous lies in public court, about the President being somehow responsible for the shooting. The President understands that sometimes the Constitution must be set aside, for the public good and this is one of those instances.”
In a press release issued early this afternoon, the North Pole announced that “the future of Christmas is in jeopardy.” In Santa’s only statement to the press, before being wheeled into surgery, he exclaimed, “That hack is just as bad a hunter, as he is a president!… if that’s possible.”
Watch for further news on this developing story.