For those of you who are saddened to see Bill Maher is not on the air tonight, it is because he is on hiatus until March 6th. However, there is some comfort for those who miss Bill. On the “Real Time With Bill Maher Blog,” Bill posted a video yesterday entitled: “New Rules for Real Sports.” The caption for the video reads: “Bill issues a special set of New Rules to kick off the 20th Anniversary season of Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.” Because of the amount of profanity Bill tends to use, I will link to the video here rather than post it to this column.
“New Rule: If bowling passes for high school athletics then maybe it’s time for a draft.”
Bill has some unkind words to say about high school bowling teams. Apparently, bowling is the fastest growing “sport” in high schools, and Bill is none too impressed. He dubs bowling “athletes” Pin Heads. I side with Bill. I’m willing to call bowling a game, but I won’t go so far as to say it is a sport.
“New Rule: The NFL must admit that if they’re going to make billions of dollars off of head injuries it’s not fair to make the players try to remember what college they went to.”
He dubbed this new rule “Alma Mutter.” I didn’t quite get this rule at first. It took me a moment filled with lots of head scratching to even begin putting it together. And then I had my “Eureka!” moment. The players are all muttering, brain damaged people, so it doesn’t matter what college they went to. It’s a morbid joke that I don’t think needs much commentary.
“New Rule: Every Olympic athlete can’t have a remarkable backstory.”
Bill does not believe that the regular Olympics can have more “afflicted people” than the Special Olympics. He notes that the way NBC reports on the Olympics makes it seem like there aren’t very many Average Joe’s competing anymore. Bill is correct. Average Joe is the majority. An outlier is unusual. If most people suddenly became outliers, then outliers would become Average Joes.
“New Rule: If you play a video game where you imagine skateboarding, there is something wrong with your soul.”
This was perhaps the funniest rule of them all. A picture of a boy pretending to skateboard draws Bill’s ire. The wheelless “skateboard” works like a remote control as the kid tilts on it and causes a video game character to jump into the air. Bill can’t figure out why this kid doesn’t just get an actual skateboard and start skateboarding for real. What he compares this video game to will make you laugh out loud, but I warn you that the analogy is a sexual one.
Personally, while Bill’s analysis is understandable, I’m afraid to go too high into the air on a skateboard. I also don’t like going down steep ramps. For those who enjoy skateboarding, but are too afraid to do any of the more complicated tricks, it does look like a fun video game.
“New Rule: The NFL can run their anti-domestic violence ads or they can be sponsored by Anheuser-Busch, but they can’t do both.”
Bill mentions there are over one hundred substances that the NFL has banned and tests for in players, but alcohol isn’t one of those drugs. This leads into his feelings about marijuana. There is nothing performance enhancing about marijuana, so it’s a strange drug to be on the banned substances list. It doesn’t stimulate players or make them more aggressive, but alcohol has been proven to cause aggressive behavior in some people. He states that alcohol is “a factor in up to half of all cases of domestic abuse.”
Take what you will from that rule. Personally, I agree with Bill that the NFL should require players to have their blood alcohol levels checked. At the very least, the BAC of the players should be under .08.