My boyfriend of the past eight months has dinner with his ex-wife and daughter every other Thursday evening, alternating homes. He said it’s for their daughter that’s why they do it. They have been divorced for almost two years. The little girl is six years old now. We are thinking about moving in together, and he would like to keep doing this in the home we share, and for me to accept it at some point. That would mean they would be coming over for dinner at least once per month. I think this could not be healthy.
I told him I want to come to one of the dinners, or to have lunch with his ex-wife just the two of us, but my boyfriend said no. I don’t know how I am supposed to handle this situation.
Dear Not Sure:
Wow, are you seriously jealous of a six year old baby? You really think this means he still wants his ex-wife, or that there is more to it than the dinner they get together to share time with their kid?
Look here chick, if he wanted to be with that woman he would, and there wouldn’t be anything you could do about it. He doesn’t need to scope her out and try to hook up with her over dinner every two weeks with his kid right there! I swear, some of you women are so insecure its embarrassing.
You need to stay in your lane. You are the mere GIRLFRIEND, you are not his wife. It’s a big mistake to go down the road you’re trying to go. You have no business interjecting yourself into that little girl’s special time with her parents. It’s all she has left!!
But here you are worrying about yourself, not on the joy that having something to look forward do – dinner with her mommy and daddy – brings to her life. You have no concern about how traumatic a divorce would have been for a four year old. You have no concern about how these parents came up with something to help soothe the split for their child, to assure her that it was not her fault and that BOTH of her parents still love her.
I am going to tell you how it is girlfriend in my typical hard core straightforward fashion, cause you don’t seem to get it. You can’t seem to think any further than your own fears and insecurities like a big ole baby.
- Thinking of inviting that woman to lunch to discuss a scheduled dinner she has with her daughter and her baby daddy is inappropriate. Approaching her with your drama could get you cussed out or punched in the face. Parents don’t react well to people doing or saying anything that hurts their baby.
- What those parents choose to do to help their child adjust to their divorce is not your business.
- As nothing but a girlfriend, you have no claim to anything and no rights.
- Don’t get with a man expecting him to change to become what you want him to be – he is what he is.
- Girlfriends are temporary… you could be here today and gone by next week and replaced the week after that.
- If you don’t trust him, why are you with him?
- If you continue dating him, at some point you would be married to him and she would become your step-daughter with all the responsibilities and obligations that entails.
- The child is the most important person in this entire tableau; you seem to be ignoring that fact.
- What you think about what he is doing is irrelevant.
Bottom line, you need to grow up, drop the stank attitude, and stop whining like a big baby. I am thrilled that he and his ex-wife have enough sense and love their child enough they can put aside their petty differences and focus solely on what SHE needs. That is very rare, and I’m overjoyed to hear there are at least one set of parents in this world with some #@%! sense.
You need to do some serious thinking about what you want out of life, and figure out if this situation really meets those needs. Perhaps you would do better with a man who has no children, so you won’t feel you have to compete with a first grader for her father’s attention.
Yeah, you should really reconsider dating him because he may not be the one for you. He seems to be a fine man, and a wonderful father who understands his obligations/responsibilities to his offspring, and for that I commend him. Obviously he and his ex-wife are handling this in a much more mature fashion than you can even imagine. But maybe that isn’t what you need or want in your life right now.
If you do want to keep dating him, you might want to seek counseling so you can work whatever conflicts you have about this situation out in a healthy way. I suspect it stems from your own childhood, and feelings that you didn’t get enough attention from your parents and were in competition with siblings for time and affection. You’ve brought those fears and anxieties with you into this adult relationships.
Get it together woman, because if you keep going down this track you are going to push him away. You’d be trying to force him to choose between you and his child, and he is always, always going to choose her. That’s the kind of guy he is, and I love him for it.
You need to be smart and shut your pie hole… find something positive to do with your time and energy. For example, when your boyfriend goes to dinner, you should go out with one or two of YOUR friends. Or take a class on Thursday nights. Or go visit your Mom and take her out to dinner every two weeks. Join a Thursday night bowling league, or go to the gym and work out. Do something constructive, mature, and sensible with your time.
Create a life for yourself that has nothing to do with this man and his daughter. Figure out how to embrace his choices instead of criticizing and attempting to change them. Remember, he’s been doing these dinners with his kid and ex-wife long before you came along, and if you keep trippin’, he’ll be doing them long after you’re out of the picture.
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