The following comes from a young woman contemplating her decision to forgive.
“Essentially there are two options when you discover your mate has cheated. Forgive and stay or forgive and move on. I believe in second chances and I can’t deny what my heart wants. And yet I wonder whether he still talks to them, these girls, his “hoes”. I wonder if they ask him about me or if they ever knew I existed in his life. I don’t know why I’m so curious about them, but I am. I’m scared he might meet someone better than me again because I reckon for him to cheat the first time it was because they were giving him what I couldn’t. I pray not. I’m scared. Should I be?” – TM
Everyone is entitled to have their own “deal breakers”. Simply put if certain boundaries are crossed the individual will walk away from the relationship or marriage without thinking twice. For some people cheating is not one of theirs. This appears to be the case for you.
However when most people do choose to immediately forgive and that’s assuming their mate actually asked for forgiveness it’s usually because the hurt person is in shock about the betrayal and simply cannot handle going through a breakup or divorce on top of everything else!
Definition of Forgiveness
My suggestion has always been to take some time to figure out whether one can truly forgive.
It’s not uncommon for someone to immediately forgive their mate but as the weeks and months go by they realize they can’t forgive! They either end up breaking up, cheating themselves, or they hold it over their mate’s head constantly to the point that he or she decides they may as well cheat again or walk away if things are going to remain like this.
Forgive means to “let go” and “move on”. You’re no longer going to dwell on something.
Your mind can’t occupy two thoughts at the same time. If every time you see your mate you’re thinking about his cheating as oppose to how much in love you are then you haven’t forgiven.
The Incessant Cheater
In your particular scenario one statement you made was most disturbing. “I wonder all the time whether he still talks to them these girls, his hoes” The implication here is not that he cheated with one woman realized he was wrong, asked for forgiveness, told you what led to it, what he learned, and why it won’t ever happen again.
If a guy is having sex with multiple women instead of one particular woman on the side it’s usually an indication that his motive for cheating is his need for variety. I call this type of cheater:
“The Incessant Cheater”. They bore easily and constantly crave someone new for excitement.
Anyone whose motto is: “Variety is the spice of life.” views monogamy like it’s a very “strict diet” that’s healthy or right but it’s not something they’ve chosen because they are “in love”.
Out of all the “reasons” why a person cheats the one thing a betrayed person can never do is become someone new or feel different. Most people will cheat on strict diets!
The Discontented Cheater
It would be one thing if he blamed you for neglecting him sexually, or taking him for granted, or felt you nagged him, was constantly complaining, or a platonic friendship evolved into an “emotional attachment” which led to having physical intimacy.
Discontented Cheaters honestly believe if their mate had not done or stopped doing something they never would have strayed. Those are the types of reasons a couple may possibly decide to work on or attempt to overcome. This assumes the betrayed person believes their behavior did play a part.
Lastly it’s a bit harsh to refer to these other women as “hoes” without knowing how he presented himself to them! If a woman had no idea that a man is supposedly “taken” she’s just as innocent as you were when you met him. If he deceived you his mate, he may have just as easily lied to these other women whom he has no emotional investment.
What Keeps Most People From Cheating
1. Being in love
2. Not wanting to risk losing that “special someone”.
3. Imagining how hurt they’d feel if their mate cheated on them.
Somehow your man was able to “justify in his mind” it was okay to cheat on you. Either he’s not “in love” with you, doesn’t believe you’re all that “special”, or takes you for granted and he can’t imagine you’d ever cheat on him or leave him. Only you can decide what is a “deal breaker” for you.
“Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.” – Oscar Wilde
Love yourself enough to do what is best for yourself or else others will take advantage of you.