My boyfriend (he’s 26 and I am 24) either isn’t emotional at all, or he hides his emotions from me. I know you are probably saying “well, what man is emotional?” The problem is that I am an emotional person. I have dated men like him before, but this one takes the cake!
1) I am not comfortable expressing my emotions around him. I guess because I am not comfortable with his reaction or lack of reaction.
2) When I am emotional around him he is very awkward and doesn’t know what to do. I was crying the other day and his reaction was to move away from me and tell me jokes. So I asked him to hold me and he did, but I could sense he wasn’t comfy. Then today I was very down (same reason), and he just kept asking “are you okay?” and “I wish I could make you feel better.” Then he left to go hang out with his friend.
I know he cares deeply for me and wants me to be happy and hates when I am sad. And yes, I know a lot of men are like this. I just feel so alone right now and I wonder will I have to go through everything alone?
I am not a crazy emotional lady in case you are wondering lol! I just want to express the feelings I have. I want someone who understands and can be there for me. I guess I need to turn to him and say “I need you to do this” or “please don’t go.” I find when I do there is no passion or desire behind it, he is doing it because I asked.
What should I do about this situation?
Dear Ms. Emotional:
Jeezus lady, what the heck? How can you even fix your lips to say you are not a “crazy emotional lady” when everything I’ve read here says you are. Do you understand anything about men at all? Apparently not, so let me give you a few tidbits of education, because you are all off on some hyperemotional tangent that would make any man run for hills away from you as fast as his legs could carry him!
#1 Your boyfriend seems like a normal young guy, rather inexperienced in relationships as most 20-somethings are. He has empathy and concern for you, but doesn’t understand what it is you want from him. You make him feel confused.
#2 Your boyfriend, being a typical man, wants to be your hero. That means he wants to fix whatever the problem is that you are having for the ego boost it gives him to save you. He doesn’t know how to fix it, or what to do to make it better for you, evidenced by the statement “I wish I could make you feel better.” You make him feel ineffective.
#3 Your boyfriend doesn’t want you to feel sad, which shows he is having lots of emotions — just not the ones you want him to have, and he’s not expressing his feelings in the way you want him to. You make him feel like he is not good enough.
#4 Many men feel like slaves to women’s whims and emotions. Men hate to see women crying for what they cannot understand is a “reason.” Like if your cat died, that is a clear solid reason to cry and feel sad. If you got fired from your job, or had a fight and broke it off with your best friend of 10 years – that is a justifiable reason to cry in guy talk. Just to feel sad then fall out bawling for no discernable reason that you can explain? Crazy emotional lady, your emotional neediness makes him feel trapped and anxious.
Men get into relationships that are a “good deal” for them. They love to have a girlfriend or wife who is fun, exciting, sexy, and brings a smile to his face. Men like relationships with women that are easy going, clear communicators, and assertively state what it is they want in a language men can understand. In other words, they like to know how to make their woman happy and what things will make her furious so they can walk the line on the side of happy. Men also love women who don’t let men get away with nonsense, and who don’t cry all over the place all the time and make them feel guilty and impotent. They like women who exhibit emotional resilience and mental strength, so that if they need something she’ll be strong enough to provide it.
You make your boyfriend feel ineffective, helpless and powerless when you keep putting him in the position of being responsible for fixing emotions he doesn’t understand. That’s why he went off to hang out with his friend and left you sitting there crying by yourself… it is easier to understand his friend, and he can understand what is expected of him in that relationship.
You need to get a clue girlfriend. If you keep making it hard for him to be around you because of your mood flips and hysterical crying jags, you’ll soon be crying over the boyfriend you used to have. He’ll be gone to find another woman who is more emotionally stable and tougher.
Really, if you want to have all those emotions, you need to get a diary and write it in, or go have a cry session with your best friend and some Ben & Jerry’s.
Another fact to consider is if you keep aligning yourself with men who you say are like him, it means the problem is not the men, it’s YOU. After all, you’re all they have in common since they don’t know each other! That would mean you are attracted to your opposite, a guy who has himself in check emotionally and who doesn’t go around emoting all over the place. By comparison, you cry too much, feel sad too often, and put too much responsibility on other people to support your little fits. Because if you had a man who was emotional and crybabyish as you are, you would hate him in short order.
Get it together woman! Neither the world nor men is here to “make you feel better” — that’s a skill you should have mastered when you were still in diapers.
The man who can be the emotional support you want when you are having girly emotional moments hasn’t been born yet. For real. Probably never will. Men are not women. They do not see the world as women do, or feel things the way women do. Typically, men see such crybaby antics as weakness, and men don’t appreciate weakness — they exploit it. Expecting him to react as YOU would (or as a girlfriend would) to your tears is guaranteed to leave you disappointed.
You might want to read my second book The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid for a bit more information, and guidance on making smarter choices in partners going forward. One of the 24 types is “The Emotional Wasteland.” These guys are so cold and their hearts so barren, it’s like being on the tundra of Antarctica or something. The information is presented in a humorous fashion, but every word of it is true.
However, I don’t believe your boyfriend is a cold, heartless Emotional Wasteland or anything close to it. I think you are just a person who has learned to use your tears and emotions as a way to control people and you’re upset that it’s not working with this guy.
Advice columnist Deborrah Cooper is also a fabulous vegan cook. Check out her new cookbook WHY VEGAN IS THE NEW BLACK: More Than 100 Delicious Meat and Dairy Free Meals Your Whole Family Will Love. Featuring unique and tasty home-style soul food recipes and American classics remade vegan.