Former beloved entertainer Bill Cosby is essentially in a ‘lose-lose’ situation. If Mr. Cosby continues to refuse to publicly address the multiple allegations against him by various women that he gave them drugs, and then proceeded to sexually assault them and/or date-rape them, then he will appear to be guilty to the vast majority of men and women in the general public. On the other hand, if Mr. Cosby was to confess that he engaged in consensual sex with all of these women, his image will still be tainted because then he would be, at minimum, forever known as a ‘serial adulterer’ instead of a ‘serial date-rapist.’
The first thought most men have is, “Why would a man who is a wealthy, famous, powerful celebrity need to drug and date-rape women? Wouldn’t a guy like Bill Cosby have hundreds of female groupies that would be more-than-willing to satisfy his sexual desires and urges?”
For the most part, no. I remember years ago, I read an interview with an African-American comedian by the name of Franklyn Ajaye. At one point during the interview, Ajaye was asked how he handled all of the attention he received from female groupies. Ajaye responded by telling the interviewer that unlike many popular male singers, musicians, professional athletes, and sex symbol type movie stars, comics don’t really have ‘groupies.’ Ajaye said that comics have male and female ‘fans,’ but not ‘groupies.’
Most men who are considered to be hilariously funny are usually not perceived by women to be ‘sexy.’ Even well-known comedian and movie star Eddie Murphy admitted that once. Murphy once said, “A man can be funny … and he can be sexy … but rarely can he be both at the exact same moment in time.” I remember a few years back, I interviewed a comedian and book author by the name of Ian Coburn on my talk radio podcast program, Upfront & Straightforward. During the interview, Coburn briefly expressed comments that would co-sign with the sentiments of Ajaye and Murphy.
Coburn basically said that before he became a stand-up comic, he thought he would have ‘female groupies’ waiting for him after each show to offer him the opportunity to have sex with them. He said the reality of most comedians is that most of the women want to share their company in a purely platonic manner, so that the comedian can entertain them and make them giggle and laugh, but the vast majority of the comic’s female fans do not want to actually have sex with the comedians simply because they possess a great sense of humor.
Think about it. Name a comedian who later made a career for himself as an adult film actor (i.e., porn star) or gigolo. Similarly, name an adult film actor or gigolo who later became a stand-up comic and/or prolific comedy writer. Having problems thinking of even one name? Exactly.
The first point in this article is not to slam the vast majority of comedians for having a lack of sex appeal with women, but rather to point out that just because a man is a comedic actor or stand-up comic with wealth, fame, and Entertainment Industry influence does not necessarily mean that this man is going to have beautiful, sexy women throwing themselves at him sexually on a regular basis.
For the second major point of this article, let’s move on to some basic facts about men:
- All heterosexual men are interested in having sex with women, unless they have reached a point of complete impotence (and in today’s society, there are various pharmaceutical pills that men can consume to overcome erectile dysfunction and impotence)
- Very few heterosexual men with a strong sex drive genuinely enjoy sharing the company of an attractive woman with a high degree of sex appeal without wanting to make at least one attempt to have sex with her.
- Speaking of comedians, superstar comic Dave Chappelle once said in one of his comedy bits that the #1 reason why most men seek to become wealthy, famous, and powerful is so that they attract and seduce more women. (Chappelle actually said, “Most men would be content with living in a cardboard box if they knew they could get laid with women in it,” which to a large degree is a valid statement)
If you are a woman reading this article, and by some chance you were naive to those three basic facts, please make a mental note. What do these three facts mean for you as a woman? It basically means that if you are an attractive, sexy aspiring actress or singer, very few men are going to offer to help you improve your career success “just because.” The vast majority of men who are offering to help you improve your career are doing so because they want to motivate you to agree to have sex with them (truthfully, deep-down most women who pursue a career in media and/or the Entertainment Industry know this; here is a previous article related to this).
As mentioned in previous articles in this column, very few men seek out ‘purely platonic’ friendships with women. Men are just not wired that way. Again, when a man is in the company of a woman he finds attractive and sexually appealing, he is always going to want to have sex with that woman at least once. For a man, being around women who they find sexually appealing and not being able to have sex with them is like sitting in front of a plate full of food and not being able to at least nibble on or sample the food items on that plate. The vast majority of men ‘settle’ for purely platonic friendships with women more so than they specifically seek them out.
Finally, for the third and most important point of this article, we will examine how most men go about letting women know they have an interest in having sex with them. Generally speaking, there are three different ways that all heterosexual men will attempt to communicate their desire to have sex with a woman:
The ‘Front Door’ method, the ‘Side Door’ method, or the ‘Back Door’ method.
1) Communicating your desire to have sex with a woman via the ‘Front Door’:
This is when a man approaches a woman, initiates a conversation with her, and proceeds to let that woman know fairly quickly in a confident, upfront, specific, straight-to-the-point manner that he wants to have sex with her. He feels that either the woman is going to say, “Yes, I am interested in having sex with you …” or “No, I am not interested in having sex with you …” (As my readers and followers know, I refer to this type of interpersonal communication style as ‘Mode One‘ Behavior)
Ideally, all men want to pursue sex with a woman by going through the ‘Front Door,’ but the reality is, many factions of society and many women in society frown on such direct, unapologetically candid expressions of sexual interest. Some women have been known to categorize the ‘Front Door’ approach as ‘rude,’ ‘crass,’ ‘socially inappropriate,’ and/or even ‘disrespectful.’ If you are a man, and you attempt to use the bold ‘Front Door’ approach with a business colleague or professional associate, nine times out of ten, you will be accused of sexual harassment.
Many women love and highly respect the upfront, straightforward ‘Front Door’ approach … but there are an equal if not greater number of women who do not particularly care for it.
And because of the women who criticize and express some degree of disdain toward that type of approach, we have men who resort to the next option, which is . . .
2) Communicating your desire to have sex with a woman via the ‘Side Door’:
When men have been made to feel that executing the ‘Front Door’ method is going to cause them to be abruptly rejected, cause them to be harshly criticized or insulted, or cause them to be treated by women and other friends as some sort of social pariah, then their next option is to attempt to be very ‘indirect’ and ‘vague and ambiguous’ when they want to have sex with a woman. Most men who are professional “pick up artists” (PUAs) tend to teach men how to seduce women into having sex with them by being ‘indirect.’
One example of a man being indirect would be to invite a woman over to his place under the misleading guise of enjoying an evening of entertaining conversation and a delicious dinner, and then as the night starts drawing to a close, the man simply starts ‘making moves’ on the woman (e.g., attempting to kiss her and make out with her), and then hopes that the kissing and petting eventually leads to full blown intercourse and/or oral sex. Many PUA types endorse multiple variations of this scenario to their clients and students.
Another common example is what I refer to as “FunClubbing.” Just last Thursday, I discussed this concept on my talk radio podcast program. FunClubbin’ is when a man initially, temporarily, or indefinitely ‘pretends’ as though he is content with being a woman’s purely platonic male ‘friend,’ but deep-down, he wants a relationship with that woman that is more romantic and/or sexual in nature. Some men will FunClub with women for a few weeks or a few months … all that time hoping that the woman will find it in her generous and erotic heart to offer that man the opportunity to have sex with her. Many men will FunClub with women for years, or even decades, having their fingers crossed for that ‘one lucky day’ that the woman will finally say, “Okay … you’ve been my friend for a while … and now, I think it is time you should be rewarded for your loyal and patient friendship. Let’s go ahead and have sex.”
Quickly look above and reference my “three basic facts” of men and their desire for sex. Nineteen out of every twenty (heterosexual) men that a woman meets has no interest in interacting with her in a purely platonic manner. If you do not believe this strong assertion … ask the men themselves. I challenge you to. I dare you to. Matter of fact, I triple-dare you to.
If you are a woman reading this article, the next time you converse with one or more of your so-called “platonic male friends,” ask them one or more of these questions:
“[insert first name of your platonic male friend here] … can I ask you something? Would you mind if we transitioned from purely platonic friends to more of a ‘friends-with-benefits’ type relationship? Sometimes I just get really, really horny and I would love it if we could at least occasionally exchange orgasms with one another. Is that okay with you?”
“[insert first name of your platonic male friend here] … can I ask you something? Are you truly interested in being my platonic friend, or are you really just patiently waiting for me to offer you the opportunity to engage in intercourse or oral sex with me?”
“[insert first name of your platonic male friend here] … can I ask you something? Since I am in-between boyfriends and you seem to be in-between girlfriends, would you mind if we just indulge in regular or semi-regular no-strings-attached sex until we each find our next long-term romantic partner?”
Do not ask these men these questions in a manner as if you are “joking” or “playing around.” Pose one of more of those three questions to the men in a very serious manner. See what they say. Deep-down, you already know what over half of your ‘platonic male friends’ are going to say. Do not be delusional. (and I bet your ego will be hurt by the few men who do genuinely say, “Sorry, but I have no interest in engaging in sexual relations with you.”)
The problem with FunClubbin’, and many of the other ‘indirect’ methods, is that in the long-run, it is just as much of a crapshoot and a numbers game as the more direct methods of communicating your sexual desires and interests to women.
When a man is direct with women … some women will reciprocate his desires and interests, and many women will not. Similarly, when a man is indirect with women … a good number of women will give in and agree to have sex with him, but many other women will only want to maintain nothing more than a purely platonic friendship with him.
The big difference is, when a ‘Front Door’ guy gets rejected, he has not really invested a significant amount of time, effort, or money in the pursuit of that woman’s romantic or sexual companionship, therefore, he does not usually feel bitter or frustrated when his desires and interests are not reciprocated.
On the other hand, when a ‘Side Door’ guy gets rejected, 90% chance, he is going to become angry, frustrated, and bitter in the long-run. Why? Because more-than-likely, he invested a significant amount of time, effort, and in some cases money, only to eventually end up as a woman’s “male girlfriend” or “play brother.”
At some point, that anger, sexual frustration, and bitterness turns into misogyny. Especially in situations when a ‘Side Door’ guy gets rejected by his new ‘female friend,’ but later observes this same ‘female friend’ reciprocating the sexual desires of a ‘Front Door’ guy fairly quickly. Uh oh. Now, Mr. Side Door is going to become really, really angry. Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the world … a brand new member of the Misogynist-for-Life Club.
When a man is scared of being direct and frustrated over the time, effort, and money he wasted after trying out a number of different ‘indirect’ methods of getting a woman in bed, this man is now thinking of a new and different way to virtually “guarantee” that he will end up in bed with a woman with hardly any time or money invested. That brings us to . . .
3) Communicating your desire to have sex with a woman via the ‘Back Door’:
We have no idea if Bill Cosby actually drugged all of the women who claim to have been drugged and subsequently date-raped them and we may not ever know. What we do know is, there are other men in society who have no doubt gotten a woman ‘sloppy drunk’ and then date-raped them or put some type of ‘date-rape drug’ (such as “roofies”) in their food or drinks, and then proceeded to take advantage of them in a non-consensual sexual manner.
As a man, when you have reached a point where you no longer want to ‘gamble’ with women (i.e., be in a situation where there is a 50% chance a woman will agree to have sex with you, but also a 50% chance that she will reject you), and you want more of a ‘sure thing’ type scenario, you will throw all ethics, moral standards, and any sense of honesty and integrity out the window. You want what you want, and you will not allow anything to stop you from getting what you want … and that includes a woman’s sexual companionship. You are in a mindset where you no longer have a desire to ‘ask’ a woman for her sexual companionship. You want to just ‘demand’ it and ‘take’ it.
Women say, “Oh my God! What would make a man think it is even remotely okay to get a woman drunk and take advantage of her, or drug a woman and take advantage of her?? That is SO WRONG!!!” Of course it is. But we do not want to get into a ‘tit for tat’ list of the behavior that men exhibit toward women that is ‘wrong’ versus the behavior that women exhibit toward men that is ‘wrong.’ There would be a laundry list for members of both genders.
The reality is, the desire for sex among many men is strong. Very strong. Next to our desire for oxygen to breath, our desire for food and beverages for nourishment, and our desire for money to provide ourselves with shelter and the basics to survive in life, there is arguably no stronger desire a man maintains than his desire to experience an orgasm. Preferably, a man wants to experience an orgasm as a result of intercourse or oral sex with a woman rather than masturbation.
Men who choose the ‘Back Door’ method do not care about ‘right vs. wrong.’ They are past that point. They want what they want, and they want it now. When you combine a man’s insatiable desire for sex with a chauvinistic ego and a long-standing sense of sexual frustration, you have just described the makeup of your everyday serial date-rapist.
What is the bottom line?
Go back and read all of the past articles in this column. The advice given in this column generally has the same exact theme time after time again.
The advice to women is simple: You need to be more receptive to a man exhibiting a ‘Front Door’ style of interpersonal communication with you as far as expressing his romantic and/or sexual desires, interests, and intentions to you. Just because a man straightforwardly lets you know he wants to have sex with you does not mean you are obligated to reciprocate his sexual desires and interests, but at least you two will have made it crystal clear where you two stand as far as interest and/or lack of interest.
The advice to men is: So what if women criticize you for being “too forward,” “too candid,” or even “rude” and “crass.” So what. You cannot expect to receive compliments on every aspect of your behavior all of the time. With many things you do in life, it is inevitable that someone somewhere is going to dislike and/or disagree with what you say, and how you say it. So damn what.
Expect that most women you communicate directly (via the ‘Front Door’) that you want to have sex with them are going to criticize you for your candor, and maybe even insult you because of your bold, forthright style of verbal communication. So what. All you should care about is, are they interested in having sex with you? Or not interested? If the woman is not interested, do not pester her or harass her. Simply leave her alone immediately and do not waste your time and money “settling” for a disingenuous platonic friendship. There is no upside to FunClubbin’ with women.
No man should ever allow his ego and his sexual frustrations to get so out of control that he even remotely entertains the thought of drugging a woman and date-raping her. Such an option should be out of the question for men. The key words are “should be.”
Ladies, ask one of those three questions discussed above to your male “friends.” Take the initiative, be assertive, and ask those ‘platonic male friends’ of yours, “Are you engaging in a conversation with me right now because you desire to have sex with me at some point in the (near) future?”
I dare you. I double-dare you. I triple-dare you.
But I know you won’t.
Alan Roger Currie is the author of a number of books, including Mode One: Let the Women Know What You’re REALLY Thinking and Oooooh . . . Say it Again: Mastering the Fine Art of Verbal Seduction and Aural Sex. Currie’s latest eBook, The Possibility of Sex: How Naive and Lustful Men are Manipulated by Women Regularly is also available exclusively on Amazon.com in their Kindle format and is also available on Audible.com as an audiobook. You can also download a copy of Currie’s eBook on your iPhone, Android Smartphone, or other Smartphone. Starting with Monday, August 4, 2014, you might be eligible to download a FREE copy of the audiobook version of ‘Mode One’ on Audible.com. CLICK HERE for more details.
Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie, the most-listened to talk radio podcast program in the category of “Romance” and “Self-Help for Relationships” on the BlogTalkRadio Internet Radio Network, can be heard LIVE every Thursday evening at 10:00pm EST / 7:00pm PST. Visit http://www.blogtalkradio.com/modeone and http://modeone.net for more details
Currie offers email, telephone, and Skype consultations to both men and women; Visit http://modeone.net/products to purchase a consultation.