Him: Do your kids ever go to sleep?
Me: No, they stay up as long as possible to drive mommy insane.
I am not a robot (most days) nor a prude. All adult humans need adult
interactions but when Mommy has older kids the living space shrinks
We all have old memories of our parents attempting to have quick,
discreet, respectable sex, however kids are nosy. The sneakier kids are
able to quickly figure out what Mommy is up to and run away from the door, forever changed.
Gross mommy and her nasty sex needs.
But how will Mommy get her sex needs met if her children are up at prime
booty call hours? I don’t have the answer. My daughter only cares about any
food or soda that may come her way but smarmy comments from my son are like
nails on a chalkboard.
I have endured next-day commentary like, “why is your bed so messed up?”
and “what were you all doing in there?” But then, my son just gave up. He
was finally old enough to know, be embarrased for me and him and just not
It is not like when he was six and I’d prepare something with mashed
potatos and gravy, meat and let nature take it’s course.(Yes, even children
get Itis.) Now that my son is 16 and likes to stay up and play multi-player
video games and eat up all of the available food, we are all up together—
and I don’t know how to have discreet, respectable sex as I am a banshee.
It’s a part of my charm.
I bought my son headphones and that works out pretty well. He knows what to
do when he sees mom and guest take the march of shame to the bedroom.
I can imagine how we are viewed: First comes the giggling and such then the
quiet, then the occaisional noise. I thought about putting a chair in the
closet. The clothing serves as a barrier, absorbing sound. It may work.
However, it did not help one bit that my son, one day after shopping
pulled a huge, black box of condoms out of the bag laughing, waving them in
the air and shouting, “what’s this?”
I shouted, “condoms for mommy.”
I don’t know what he thought it was. I did not ask.
Looking closer at the item, he said he thought it was something for him and
placed it back in the bag, looking confused and slightly embarrassed. I was
stunned numb but used to my children’s humiliating activities. However,
what child wants to be confronted with his mother’s sexuality? We did not
speak of the event again.
So, I cannot have sex in peace, nor can I purchase condoms without my
children knowing about it. So much for gross mommy’s nasty sex needs.