While sitting in a coffee shop, trying to write articles for this job, I experienced something that was both exhilarating and dark. Music pulsating through unseen speakers, opened doors and windows inside me that I either wasn’t aware existed or I thought I had closed. Some of the songs included: “I Want to Know what love is”, “Liar” by Henry Rollins, “Jack and Diane”, and many others. Plus, there were several songs I didn’t recognize. Following are notes I jotted that day while the songs were playing. If there is any purpose to this, it would be to illustrate the power music has on exposing feelings, thoughts and memories of relationships. If you enjoy guessing, have fun trying to figure out which songs led to which notes.
“Notes combine to hurl music at my memory. A time when I so desperately needed to be loved that I didn’t even realize it. A blur of dancing human forms in twinkling lights as I gazed with awe and what I thought was love, into his eyes. Feeling a depth and connection to him beyond anything real. And now the song is ending and the memories are scuttling back to the darkest closets of my soul.”
“The next song triggers a minor annoyance that it is considered music and everyone in this place is forced to hear it. Except for the deaf man who wears a sardonic grin.”
“I have not heard this song before. The sharp, thrash beats speak to a need to let the crazy out.”
“‘Why doesn’t he love me?'” Such maudlin, self-pity lyrics. He is under no obligation to love you and you have no right to expect it. We each own our feelings and have choices as to whom we give them. Unless…every moment of every life is predetermined and choice is an illusion. And our most frustrating and painful times in life are when we realize this.”
“Disdaining fellow humans yet desiring companionship. Huh.”
“Sorrow is covering me like a sticky film..Is life a waste or have I wasted a life? The eons old questions of do we have a purpose? If so, what is our purpose? Do we choose to believe we have a purpose so that hopelessness doesn’t overpower our survival instinct?”
“In pick-up bars, the winners are losers. There are tragically many broken people.”
“Am in muddy memories. Time to push up to the clear water of the present.”
I eventually did finish writing the articles. I proceeded with the rest of my day with memories and dark emotions tucked safely away. And now I think I will listen to some Tibetan singing bowls.