Sex-selfish people can find it difficult to keep a long-term relationship going. Even people who are in relationships may have to deal with a lot of complaints from their partner if they are being selfish in bed. In the worst scenarios, the partner silently seethes and takes their frustration out in other, more passive-aggressive ways besides yelling and arguing.
When you’re sex-selfish, for many people, there’s no draw to continue a relationship with you–sexual or otherwise. This can be a significant contributing factor to why you are still single.
First, let’s determine whether or not you are a sex-selfish person. Often, people who are sex-selfish are selfish in other ways. Examine this list of common selfish behaviors outside the bedroom before you make a final judgement. In everyday life, excessively selfish people tend to do things like:
- Be late to meetings, parties, and appointments regularly (they may even have a reputation for it)
- Turn in work or school assignments late, if they do them at all
- Tend to put a lot of effort into things they want to do and a noticeably thin amount of work into helping others
- Avoid helping other people if at all possible (i.e., moving, cleaning, cooking, homework, etc.)
- Regularly walk through doors without holding them open for people who may be coming in behind them
- Fail to clean up their own messes (i.e., spilling milk as they add it to their coffee and leaving the milk on the counter, leaving snack bags in someone’s car, etc.)
- Cut lines when other people have been waiting before them
These characteristics help define someone who is generally very selfish. In the bedroom, selfishness may manifest itself in some of these ways:
- Declaring, verbally or non-verbally (by rolling over to go to sleep or getting up and leaving the room) that sex is over after they have had an orgasm, whether their partner has had one or not
- Pressing partners for sex regardless of their mood, medical conditions, recent trauma, or physical ailments (i.e., colds, depression, migraines, job loss, muscle soreness, etc.)
- Never reciprocating sexual acts (for instance, regularly receiving oral sex but never performing it) without being coerced, threatened, forced, or otherwise manipulated into doing so (a partner may threaten to leave, to cheat, to never have sex again, etc.)
- Demanding sex regardless of their partner’s time constraints (i.e., needing to study, go to work, go to class, etc.)
If you find that you consistently do any or all of the things on this list, it’s safe to assume that you’re sex-selfish. However, if you are, you don’t have to remain that way. No matter how severe your selfishness during sex, you can make changes that will make people want to have sex with you more than once and encourage them to take your relationship to deeper levels of commitment and intimacy.
A great place to start is by literally putting the other person first. Perform whatever kind of sexual stimulation they prefer until they climax. When it’s your turn to be pleasured, you don’t run the risk of frustrating your partner because you’ve already devoted time and energy to their sexual needs in a very concentrated way.
Gradually, as your relationship strengthens, start to do things during sex that help to stimulate your partner further. For example, if your partner likes it when you run your fingers through his hair, do that when he’s performing oral sex on you. While you certainly hope that your partner is excited about pleasuring you, doing things that they like while they’re pleasuring you makes the experience even more satisfying and intense.
The more mutually pleasurable sex acts you and your partner engage in, the easier it will become to do these things without thinking too much about them. They’ll seem natural and become a habit.
Hopefully, with time, you can learn to have a strong, healthy romantic relationship with someone else by showing them the love, affection, and respect that they deserve in the bedroom.